my funny valentine

My workplace passes out Bazaar de Gozaaru fans each summer.

In order to get one, you must go up to an Ojisan and get an exchange ticket for the fans.
Last year I was too chicken to to go up to an Ojisan I didn’t know, and couldn’t get one,
which I regretted for the entire past year.

This year I vowed to myself to get the ticket and the fan.

2008, Bazaar day came (it’s actually a summer recreational event for employees).

My co-workers were either too reserved and well mannered to get the ticket, or, simply not interested in Bazaar fans.
A woman next to me wanted one but was embarrased to go ask for a ticket so I volunteered to get a ticket for her.

The Ojisan in charge of passing out the ticket was nice.
He didn’t say anything when I went up to him, but for some reason he looked surprised when I asked for a ticket.

I was finally able to get the fan!

But too bad this year’s Bazaar fan was just stock illustration of Bazaar. The back side is completely white with a huge company logo right in the middle. It’s quite ugly so I’m not gonna put it up.

For reference, I’ll put up Bazaar fan from 1991.

A co-worker gave this to me. She happened to have this,  but wasn’t interested in Bazaar.

1991 version features an original illustration that strives to express the concept of “Summer.”

Also on the back side, it announces a “Bazaar toaster” give-away.

What a difference to this year’s fan!!

The bubble economy days are long gone…

Can you see the difference in these two pics? ^^
Which one do you like better?

The past week, my parents were away for vacation, so I was able to finally get all my stuff!
Now I feel relieved!

I’ve been living in my apartment for almost a year, but most of my stuff were at my parents.
That’s because when I moved out, I had to pretend I was just leaving for a few days…-_-;;
I know I was irresponsible to leave my stuff, but I was too afraid of my parents to tell them the truth or to go back to get my things.

I’ve been living on the absolute minimum things I brought with me
and was always worried that my parents might throw away my stuff.
Even if they didn’t, I knew they could threaten to throw away my stuff to
make me do stuff I don’t wanna do.

When my mother e-mailed me they were gonna be gone for a few days, I seized the chance.

I snuck in the house and spent 2 days to transport 10 cardboard boxes, 4 drawers and 4 cartons.

Can you imagine how HOT and HUMID it is in Japan right now!?
I couldn’t believe the amount of sweat I was producing…
It could have been from nervousness though, cuz I was always afraid my parents might come back any minute. haha.

I ended up having to throw away 15 trash bags worth of stuff cuz they wouldn’t fit in my apartment.
Oh and I also sold aout $100 worth of books to Book-off also due to lack of space.
Shame I had to throw away design books from my AC days…

I’m sick of moving and having to throw away my stuff!

You know, in the past 5 years, I’ve moved 4 times!
Seriously, I wanna settle down.
I wish I had a permanent address I can rely on…
This past week I’ve been fantasizing owning a condo in Tokyo…

Dr. Bear spontaniously decided to perform the Rorschach
when I reported my test results to her.

As you might have guessed, the results came out completely different….

I didn’t write in my first entry, but I was told I was manic-depressive and
heavily neurotic in my first test.
Which I didn’t take too seriously.

Dr. Bear told me
- I’m really insecure about my health.
- I have a feeling of insufficiency.
- I long to reclaim my childhood.

I must say, Dr. Bear is much better!
Her analysis is much refined, rather than putting a vague label that
someone is manic-depressive…

Also her analys is right-on.
The first place didn’t say anything about me worrying about my health,
but it’s THE most biggest fear I have currently.

After losing a job and being stuck at my parents with no money
due to an illness, I’m really really nervous about getting heavily sick again.
Haha, maybe that’s why the first place told me I was neurotic….

By the way, are you totally serious about getting the test done?
There’s one interesting thing regarding the test I would like to discuss w/ you,
but I don’t wanna bias you, so…

I went to a different counselor last weekend.
The place is called Bear Counseling.
Dr. Bear reccommended me to go back to the first place to get the result of the Rorschach Test.

So I did, and the result was that I try too hard (＾_＾；haha
There were other interesting stuff too, and it seemed pretty accurate.

I was amazed that they can come up w/a result from just a bunch of answers I gave them!!

——

by the way, iPhone  came out yesterday in Japan, and I had it pre-ordered.

It was all on the news how people lined up for it from 3 days ago in Shibuya…crazy….
Was it this hyped in the US?

Turns out they didn’t have enough to go around and none arrived at the shop where I pre-ordered.

But I’m glad I didn’t get it.
I checked the charges and it ’s ￥7000/month.
Too expensive for me!!

6/22/2008 (Sun)

Hi, guys. Yesterday I went through a psychology evaluation. The Rorschach Test burnt me out physically and emotionally.

———

From http://www.rorschachinkblottest.com/inktest.php

There are ten official inkblots.
Five inkblots are black ink on white.
Two are black and red ink on white.
Three are multicolored.
The psychologist shows the inkblots
in a particular order and asks the patient,
for each card, “What might this be?”

———

I was looking forward to taking the test. It’s true that some of my eagerness was out of simple curiosity about the famous Rorschach Test, but I can honestly say I mainly saw it as a positive first step to a brighter future. But when asked what I see in the inkblots, my mind went blank. All I could think was “….this looks like an inkblot?”

The feeling was similar to the ones experienced back in school, having to critique a classmate’s artwork that I neither liked nor had interest in.

For some reason, I started having headache and nausea. It took me a long time to come up with my answer. After finally declaring my first answer, I wished to promptly hand the card back to the counselor, but to my surprise, I was required to give about 4 more answers. I felt hopeless because I could see the remaining cards stacked on the counselor’s desk. Although the stack only consisted of 9 cards, to me it looked about as high as the Roppongi Hills Tower.

———

After the patient has seen and responded to
all the inkblots, the psychologist then
gives them to him again one at a time to study.
The patient is asked to list everything
he sees in each blot, where he sees it,
and what there is in the blot that makes it look like that.

———

I had a pounding headache and was sweating profusely. By the time I’d somehow squeezed out answers for each cards from my dried out brain, I was worn out, but happy to have finished the task. Little did I know that the counselor was not finished with the cards but there was another round to go: Explaining My Answers.

Being asked to explain WHY the inkblot looked like a Vase gave me a mild panic attack. I used up all my energy to suppress the urge to say something like “…you’re asking me why? I don’t know! Cuz it’s symmetrical? And…honestly it’s all I can think of!?” The counselor was there doing his job, I was there so I can feel better, not to snap at him meaninglessly. I dug deep, using all my thinking powers to scrape together the best explanation I could come up with.

I know my explanation was incoherent but I did my best. Therefore it made me cry a bit, literally, when the counselor told me that he wasn’t seeing it. I just sat there in awkward silence, feeling guilty for not being able to explain my vision to him. The counselor shifted his legs a lot, sort of impatiently, and I felt really bad; but I just sat there in confusion, not being able to come up with anything to say.

To go through 10 cards, it took a little over an hour. When we were finished, the counselor asked, “was this really difficult for you?” I laughed a little. I felt glad I still felt friendly enough to laugh, since I was afraid I was starting to hate this counselor. Then I simply said, “yes, it was difficult.”

After that I was told to draw a tree that bears fruits and took some multiple choice test, which only took me about a minute to finish, and the whole evaluation was over. We started at 3 PM; it was already 4:30.

———

I don’t remember how I got to my car. Hoping it would ease my headache, I stopped by a convenience store to get some ice cream. Then I remembered I’d left without paying! I still had the plastic number plate they gave me. Embarrassed, I drove back and paid.

I couldn’t shake off my headache the whole day. For diversion, I went to a bookstore and got a comic book, Oke no Monsho volume 53, which just came out. I was still out of it so I went to a different bookstore, got a random novel written by someone I’d never heard of, ate pasta and drank mango ice tea. It was 8 PM by then so I finally went home. I was still suffering from headaches, so with an ice pillow, I went to bed. I woke up this morning and realized I was wearing my pajamas backwards.

Okay guys, I am NOT gonna see this film!!
(not that anyone is asking me to ^^;;)

Reason: The Bakelite family is horrifyingly similar
to mine (….except for the upper class element).

Watching this film would surely open the pandora’s box in me.
Then I’d have to deal w/ so much shxxt.
It’ll be like reliving Vietnam all over again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was flipping through Japan Times (Japanese newspaper in English)
and stumbled across a review of “Savage Grace” which opens
this month in Japan.

It made me freeze in my chair.

All the terms used to describe the Bakelites
are in perfect harmony with how I have always wished
to describe my family members, but couldn’t,
cuz I just didn’t know how to put it in words.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ll use exerpts from it to describe my family:

■Father:
- Gives new meaning to the word “snide”
- His responses to his wife’s overtures consist
mainly of sarcastic quips and guarded cynicism
- does nothing to offer any diversions
- he moves the family all over the world
where they live in the same, isolated cocoon of his own weaving
- He spends his leisure time by destroying his family

■Mother:
- Parties and an adoring entourage are as necessary as oxygen
- Nervy, needy
- Always trying to prove her attractiveness to a distant husband
- Worst enemy is her own self

■Son
- A hopeless mama’s boy

Haha, no wonder my family is so dysfunctional!
My family’s dysfunctional symptoms are chillingly similar
to the Bakelites and that’s not a surprise.
All the ingredients are in my family for the recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One thing that’s crucially different from my family
(and has kept me and my brother from committing the
atrocity depicted in the movie, perhaps?)
is that we’re completely middle-class.
For the first time, I’m appreciating the fact that
I have to earn a living!
My brother, father and I, luckily, have to work.
Oh wait: is that why my mom is so….?
She’s a homemaker.
And I know she doesn’t enjoy it.
I realized today how my mother must be
more deeply unhappy than I ever imagined.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another element that’s different from my family,
a point which is significant to me,
is the lack of a daughter.

Seems like the Bakelites were sort of funcional
in a dysfunctional kind of way.
All the wheels seem to be in the right (or rather, wrong) place,
humming in sync on its way to the eventual catastrophe.

What would’ve happened if they had a daughter before the son,
as in my family?
Would the daughter’s existence mess up the balance in the dysfunctionality,
hence turning the family a bit more functional?

Or would her existence make the family just more of a mess?
…….would the daughter, instead of the son, kill the mother?
(A thought I don’t enjoy toying with.)

…..Does my mom resent me so much to this day
because I always made angry comments and criticized her
for spoiling my brother so much?
I always worried that she’s turning him into a “hopeless mamaboy.”

…..Does my mom resent me so much to this day
because she thought I was taking away attention
from my father that she felt should be hers?
What pitiful, ugly, hopeless jealousy….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not having seen the film, I could be completely wrong.
But reading this review,
I get the sense that although the movie itself wasn’t
right on, it deals with a theme which is universal.

Maybe I’ll be able to watch this film just for the hell of it
in 10 or 20 years, when I’m not so emotionally worn out
like I am now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the other hand, reading the Yahoo online
review written by common viewers,
I was puzzled by how 6 out of 7 of them
(there were only 7 comments)
entirely seemed to miss the point of the film.

Excerpts:
>”I don’t understand why the woman
>became obsessed with her son after the
>husband left.”

>”I don’t understand at all what the movie
>was about. Is it just a movie version of
>an actual incident? How boring!
>Plus the incest was disugusting.”

>”The movie opens with the son’s monologue saying
>’my mother was a master at euphemisms.’ (Note)
>How can a woman who cusses so much be described as such?”

Note: This probably isn’t how the movie begins. Sorry.
I’m directly translating the comment without cheking the film.

I could care less if they didn’t like the movie or not,
but can’t they at least understand the theme?
Haven’t they ever heard of Oedipus/Electra complex?
Even if they haven’t, incidents similar to the film
happen in Japan too; watch the news!

Makes me wonder…
1. Is the film such a failure to the extent that the
theme is blurred?
2. Or were the viewers who wrote in Yahoo just happened
to be the ones too thick to get it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh acutally, there was one comment I could relate to:
>”What’s so ‘beautiful’ about this mother?
>She has so many spots all over her skin.
>Same goes for the son.
>It seems in western society, bad skin is overlooked.”

I sometimes don’t understand Western aesthetics, either (＾o＾；
In “Working Girl,” there’s a scene where
Harrison Ford sees Melanie Griffith sleeping and mumbles to himself,
“Gosh you’re so beautiful!”
…I didn’t get it (￣ε￣)

Maybe this is why the JT review ends like this, haha:
The Japanese title for this movie (”Utsukushisugiru Haha”) means
“The Too-Beautiful Mother” ― but by the end of the story
you’ll feel there are more fitting adjectives to describe her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another sidenote.
The title of the film reminds me of
“After Us the Savage God.”
The content is strikingly similar too:
murder of parents by an abused son.